Pure Joy

Birth, it's simple and miraculous all at the same time. Simple in the terms that a women's body is engineered for giving birth. The labour is not in any means simple, it's hard, unbelievably hard. Which is where the miracle part comes in. After all the hard labour. Being graced with a living, breathing, healthy baby boy is miraculous.

Once home from the hospital exhaustion sets in, but pure joy is also revealed. I would spend endless moments just staring at him. Getting to know his little features and memorizing his cooing sounds. Time would slow and these moments were cherished. The smell of your skin, the touch of your tiny fingers and your little morning yawn. Are all, hopefully, stored away to be remembered forever.

Pure JOY, simple and miraculous.

Breastfeeding from the beginning

Alert:(If you do not want to read about Breastfeeding, please skip this post)

To start, I need to point out that I was determined to breastfeed and my son started with a good latch. Some Mum's are not as lucky. But that said, it is a lot of hard work and trial and error. The error ends up being sore nipples or hungry baby, neither are pleasant.

For me breastfeeding was a must. My husband has severe crohn's disease and breast milk is said to help protect the babies intestines. That was the first and most important reason for breastfeeding. Free, healthy, convenient and bonding time, were all up there on the list of important, too.

From the beginning:

I nursed the second my little guy was in my arms, that first moment was hard to remember as I was so tired and had no idea what I was doing. The nurse said he had a good latch and that I would get the hang of it.

I thought that once I started breastfeeding I would remember every word I had read about the topic. I thought, I was an expert and that I could recite the "Womanly Art of Breastfeeding". I had forgotten almost everything. While in the hospital every nurse that came by checked on us and gave advise on breastfeeding. I took what advise worked for me. (I will have another post with the advise I picked up along the way).

Remember breastfeeding is a learning process for both mother and baby. I sometimes forgot that, as emotions run high and exhaustion sets in. The process of learning to breast feed has many joys and can also have moments of toe curling pain. The fulfillment of knowing that I was nourishing and filling my babies needs kept me going.

The moment of truth: Breastfeeding is hard in the first 6 weeks and you will need support, nipple cream, hot showers and determination. I know you can!!! (my mantra).

What was

I did not have a crazy scheduled packed or wild life before I had my son. Cuddling on the couch and watching a movie was considered a date, which I love. Once a month we headed out for dinner and a movie or some kind of adventure. Our weekends were spent sleeping in and being with each other every moment. Looking back I cherish the simplicity, closeness and sleep.

Things are a little different now. Things are not simple, there is lack of sleep, but we do get lots of hugs and cuddles. There was a long and high slope to adjust to when you add a person into your family.

Things are not the same. There are moments that are not better and I long for the past, but I couldn't or wouldn't want to replace my baby boy. The first 4 months were the hardest. Adjusting to motherhood, nursing and missing that closeness with my husband. I started to wonder if I was cut out for being a Mum.
Shouldn't Mum's have some sort of qualifications before they bring home a baby?!
I felt ill prepared for the responsibility and reality that this little baby depended on me 24/7. After my little guy hit 4 months, we had finally found our stride.

I started to really feel confident with nursing and I liked saying, "I have a son". The joy of being a Mum was and is now present in my soul. We have our bad moments, nights and days, but together we are growing and learning.

What was is to be remembered, what is...pure joy.

Motherhood- the first moments

I have a great labour story to be told another day, as it is lengthy. After all the work and craziness, I delivered a 7lbs 5oz, baby boy. When Matt placed our baby in my arms I felt exhaustion and joy. That moment was the beginning of a new life chapter, Motherhood.

(The First time I held you)

Motherhood, I later realized the title is more of a description, Mother-in-a-hood. I was so exhausted from lack of sleep and nursing him every two hours (hungry, fussy baby) that I literally was a mother in a hoodie and pj pants everyday for the first 9 months. I did, however, make effort to put on a pair of jeans before leaving the house. I know not all Mum's are wearing hoodies, but it worked for me. Comfort and not clingy, perfection.

After the first three days of being a Mum, I was running on fumes. No one tells you that the lack of sleep during pregnancy is a way of conditioning your body for exhaustion. Some Mum's have babies that sleep from day one. My little guy was not one of those. He nursed every 2 hours for the first 6 weeks (don't worry this is not the norm). Somehow, sleeping a half-hour here and there was enough to keep me going. I was a mother and wanted to be able to meet his every need. I think I did a pretty good job. It was not easy. It was not glamorous. It was not perfection.

By the 6 week mark I told Matt that Motherhood was a huge job, more then I ever really knew. And I don't think I was under the delusional that it would be easy, but it's harder then I thought. I continue to say that being a Mum is really the hardest job out there. You get thrown in with no manual, no breaks and no pay. There are "No pink slips for Motherhood".

Re-New

When I started this blog I wanted to communicate the reality of Motherhood, up's and down's. I started with documenting my pregnancy, but I lost track of the real message.

I am renewing this blog and will write what comes to me. I am letting go of chronological dates and making making sure what I blogged matched the actual timeline. Now you get what I write, try not to get lost.

My Granddad

He smelled like pipe tobacco and liquorice allsorts. He loved slippers and tea, he drank a lot of tea.  I remember calling him after getting back from my honeymoon.  I told him what the future held for me and my new husband.  My Granddad couldn't make the trip out to the wedding, so he had never met Matt.  So, of course, I was telling him how wonderfully happy I was and going to be.  He said very little, but he did ask a very important question.

Does he drink tea?

No he drinks coffee...

That won't do

Well, I will introduce him to tea Granddad.

Good, because you need to worry about the kind of people who don't drink tea!

OK.

At 23 weeks pregnant I flew to Toronto to be with my family.  We shared stories and shed tears.  It was a sad time but also a very comforting time.  I live in Calgary and I have no family here other then Matt and our cat and dog.  My Granddad's funeral brought all of us together.  It was the first time they saw my baby belly and had hugged me in over a year.  The night of the funeral when we all headed to bed for much needed sleep.  My Mum and Dad both placed their hands on my round belly to say goodnight.  With surprise and so much joy they both laughed as the baby kicked at their hands.  

I will never forget that moment, Thank you Granddad.

I am so grateful for my still much needed parents, my sister, my brother, my whole family and my husband.  Who now drinks tea and enjoys it.  I am sure Granddad approves.

 

Glucose Tolerance Test

Before 20 weeks people could have just assumed I had a carton to many of those delicious 

Haagen-Dazs bars.  Now 22 weeks pregnant, my belly was very much a baby bump.  

A standard test around 22 weeks is a glucose tolerance test.  I had to fast for at least 10 hours before going for blood work.  This test is very important or they wouldn't ask pregnant women to not eat, as you can imagine I was not the friendlest person.  I drove myself to the blood test feeling so nausous and my head was pounding, I really needed water.  The blood clinic was very busy.  I was number 187.  Thank God they were already at 156, but still my little blip was doing somersaults with purposeful vigor.

An extra hour and it was finally my turn.  I was to drink a disgustingly sweet solution within 5 minutes.  I thought I would have no problems, I was thirsty.  I was wrong.  I must have looked really sick because the nurse came over. 

If you happen to throw up we would have to reschedule the test and start all over another day.  

I drank it down, but it was difficult.  The test was comprised of three different blood tests and drinking that horrible solution twice.  While gaging down the second bottle of solution, I had wild thought of watering the plants with what seemed like a never ending supply in the bottle I held.  I was good and drank the whole bottle but it was hard to keep down.

By the third blood draw the nurse couldn't get a vein.  I was so dehydrated my veins were retreating.  In the end after multiple attempts he used the site from the last blood draw that was just clotting.  Ouch!  That is going to bruise.  All done and feeling very sick.  

Oh, my white knight surprised me and came to pick me up.  I was so thankful that I almost cried.  He drove home, as I slumped in the passengers seat and recapped, with drama, the horrible morning.  We arrived home, he made me lunch and I checked the messages on our phone.

Mum called, she seemed upset and Evelyn (my sister) called, she said to call her immediately.

My heart sank, God what happened?  I called my Mum, fearful.  Was it Myles (my brother), was it my Dad??  The phone rang... tears formed in my eyes as I could feel that something terrible had  happened.  My mind raced,  I felt nauseous and scared.

Mum, what's wrong?

Oh honey, my dad passed away this morning...

(Deep breathe)

The tears flowed down my cheeks.  I wanted to stay somewhat composed for my Mum.  I mean she just lost her father, she needed me to be strong.  The conversation was short.  I needed time to process this news, I would call her later. Click.

Matt was already at my side.  I buried my head in his chest and cried uncontrollably.  He held me caressing my hair, as my body shook.  I cried until I ran out of tears.  

I can't believe my Granddad was gone.